oh how i have so many thoughts right now, if i had the time and energy i would write about them all, but i havent. For now i will, of course, write a little list in my fashion lest i forget these things on my heart.
-tonight is my last night in what has been my first home in San Francisco,
the beginning of my adventure, where I fully believe i did not come to or happen to "find myself" but believe rather that it is because i already know who i am, that i know (and knew) this is where I needed to be. While the company has been with mixed feelings, living with each of them has helped me to who I am now and where my mind and heart are, and for that i am very thankful. So much has happened for me while nesting within these walls, and leaving is bittersweet.
[THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO SAY HERE.]
-tommorrow night will be my first night in my new north beach apt,
and I will write again, i feel full of hope and very forward looking. tonight i got a little excited after picking up my new keys.
[this will be taken care of in the next few days]
-a conversation i had tonight and one i had friday night made me thankful for my kind friend who cares for and wants the best for me. tonights words gave me food for thought and put fridays into realized encouragement.
-it also only solidified the lonliness i feel in missing people who understand me. I have made good friends, but i am pained by how they shut me out and weep over how little it seems they really get me.
-i ache for someone to know and love me.
[that sounds so shamefully weak right there but it my at this moment honesty. so much so that i contemplate deleting every few seconds. I swear i dont always feel that statement, but i do right now.]
-i listened to a secret song of mine tonight, and realized that it gives me such hope. that others do not know it's significance to me lets me continue to think of it as what it is to me, plus it's precious words remind me of what i hope for.
-i fear he will never love me.
(i wish i could make these words in the smallest font known to man, as that is how it sits in my mind, but in the spirit of right now honesty, and for my own history i will leave it.)
i'm so tired and have to work early, and move all day. i'm already far past irresponsible on sleep, as well as on this move, and am still very anxious about. i'm hoping that i'm tired enough to finally get some sleep, and cant wait until i'm all moved tomorrow and will actually be able to sleep without all the worry.
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5 comments:
Love to you my friend...joy that you are where you're supposed to be, and sadness that that place is lonely right now...Know that you are deeply loved and missed by your unexpectedly knocked-up and remote friend in central oregon!
x's and o's...
man, oh man do I feel you here. It's so hard to move so far away from the people who know you and care about you and have been there for you for so long.
With a long distance hug- you should know that it gets easier, it really does.
i love you sister, my heart hurts fo you when you are not happy. that sounds sappy and romantic but in the spirit of honesty, there it is. and i cannot wait to come see your new place, i think you will really enjoy north beach. and if it makes you feel any better, i cried buckets driving away from our apartment, even though i knew i was driving to something so much better.
After having spent the last month at least near downtown San Diego, near enough to lose myself on a beautiful drive after midnight when the events of the day had overwhelmed me, I was jealous of your city life. I drove by your old place near Washington and India, remembering the trolley to Mexico for tacos and a random tour of the wind tunnel. In the midst of your moving and missing, find joy becuase you have had a real place to call your own, a place to have loved, a place that loved you back.
Don't let the lonely swallow you up.
ps.I am not your stalker.
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