nice.

Yesterday was such a good day:

I signed up for another season of kickball!
I bought a plane ticket home to San Diego to see good friends and shower Courtney and Baby Christenson, to get a little sunshine with Casey as she recovers, and to catch up with my wonderfully missed friends. Aug 7-13 will hopefully be 5 days of straight sundresses.
I wore super hot shoes that made me feel fabulous.
I have a place to live! The first choice that at first chose someone else, chose me second. I'm on my way over now to drop off my deposit.
Met up with long lost family, my mom's cousins and their daughters whom I have not seen since I was maybe 2? They are fun, and dinner was fantastic!
THEN, met up with the girls for a well-deserved night of dancing since we all FINALLY have a day off of work today.

This month's excersise in trust and dependencey feels like it is working out, and I feel thankful for the understanding.

the deadline cometh.

plip.

I have a very strong urge right now to open my thrid floor bedroom window and drop my gum out it, which is most unusual indeed as I am NOT a litterer.

Call The Loop

Michael Munoz and I saw each other in the hall as we were leaving for the day. We started goofing around a bit over our green, and we took this picture, to my amusement and Michael's mocking, of us blending into the wall. Oh we are a riot.

Call The Loop, if they new what was good for them they'd add us in next quarter. Their photo shoots have nothing on us in our natural habitat, I tell ya.

Recycled air

Sometimes I feel like the rest of the world is passing me by as I live on a different plane.

pretty eyes, pirate smile

I am finally home in San Francisco again and wonderfully tucked into bed between my favorite clean sheets. Man, what five days. And these last two: Spokane = hot. hotter than I anticipated. How I love my fam. I wish I saw more of my cousins, they are terrific girls. I will try to be better at it. Spokane also = charming. I almost got caught up enough to think about living in a big small town like Spokane, especially while my cousins are there. I think I have enough sense of myself to know that I would be unsatisfied once I finally got settled in, tho it makes the Pacific Northwest almost seem to raise it's voice from the whisper it's been, to a conversational level.
Clair is married, and her wedding was beautiful (tho chaotic and full of suprises to get to that state. Good to know that I have come to a point where I can handle the crisis and assess, compose, teach, delegate and fully realize a solution. I was a bit proud of myself for how I was able to really do something, and do it well.), and she looked amazing. I am excited to see what this chapter in her life will bring, and when it will include paragraphs perhaps titled "We thought no, but He thought yes: Two Become One Become Three." HA!
And I can't believe I took NO pictures. None with the cousins, the fam, of all my handwork, of cute Spokane, NONE! I think i need a new camera that works well and I enjoy using so I can get back in the habit of taking pictures of everything.

You're a wolf boy

On the plane home today I composed this list of some of my adventure goals for my life. I am itching for a new adventure, especially as dealing with my current life and trying to deal with all the things going on in it right now makes me so tired and fingernail-less.

-Drive to Alaska
-Visit all 7 continents
-LIVE in another country.
-Purchase and use an Around the World ticket
-Road trip across the US
-Climb a mountain
-Find the lace I'd like for my veil
-Cross something via boat
-Hitchhike
-Go on a Honeymoon
-See (if not pass through) the Panama canal
-Meet a penguin and maybe pat it on the head
-Hike the Inca Trail
-Run a marathon
-Make my way overland from Cairo to Capetown

I am le tired.

-I might be the tiredest person ever. I am a zombie.
-I had so much coffee yesterday that my stomach cramped on the way home from work. (Double-shot at 5pm to make it through the last two hours, and it took it's toll. Today I am trying to be wiser about a) how much I consume and 2) the manner in which I do it.)
-I have a total of 11 hours of sleep over the last three nights, and logged more than three times that many at work.
-The house I wanted to live in most chose someone else who is not me last night. (Lame. I am better.)
-Tonight after work I fly up to Spokane to see the fam for a few hours and witness my dear cousin and her almost husband make the biggest committment of their lives, and then hopefully shake a little down with my other darling cousin.
-I have left so much neglected lately in all my haste. I can't wait to have things settled and a place to live so I can properly catch up on life and other people. I have so many letters to write, I should not be wasting my words here.
-July is so very cold in San Francisco, and I have been freezing. I look forward to a day of heat and sundresses in Washington.
-I forgot to check in online foro my flight until this morning and got a B. bleh.
-I am le tired and cannot nap until 8:15pm after the flight attendants prepare for takeoff.

Isn't it a shame when due process gets in the way of swift justice? --David Bazan

Moschino Cheap and Chic

I'm returning this most lovely dress today. It is a responsible decision but one I am so so sad to make.

(It's special and silk and Moschino and so will probably not be worn much. It snaps up the side with tiny little snaps, which, if I eat too much and then dance, will come unsnapped. That means either its too fussy, or likely that i would replace it with a zipper, which runs me to the dilemma of altering the nature of this incredible Italian dress, and the concept as the designer saw it, which is controversial in my mind and heart. --probably no one else's but it is to me.)

I adore the print. it's in celedon and black. the dress makes me feel so dainty and femme, it's such a party dress. and it has pockets.

All I want to do with my life is travel and fall in love.

ready go:

-Sometimes when i leave my house and walk through the streets past the bakeries and shops and restaurants I pretend I'm in Italy or Paris. {It doesn't really feel like spain, but its okay.)

-My mom has lately been expressing her desire for me to be settled and today it made me realize just how much I don't want the life she wants for me. The idea of buying a house right now is absolutely the last thing I want. I don't even want to sign a cell-phone contract right now (because it commits me to being in the US for two more years). While I want to plan things, and agree that I want stability to help me cry less, the idea of being in the same life and place for the next 20 years makes me want to cry more. I don't want that life yet. Maybe in a few years I'll feel differently but now all I long for is adventure, and someone to have it with and to count on.

-my camera doesn't like to work on command any more, and how I wish it did lately. There are so many things I would like to have pictures of to post here:

-last night on my way home at 11:00pm people were camped out in a line in front of the apple store downtown. this morning on my way to work at 10am it had become two and a half blocks long up Stockton to Union Square. really?? a boy took a picture from market street up. I wished I had a camera that worked with me.

-I actually really like living here. Really. Yesterday was a lovely day spent walking around North Beach. I ate lunch and spent the afternoon in a cafe doing some office work I brought home, sipping soup and a glass of zinfandell with a salad and my schematic. I'm really sad to leave my new apt in two weeks.

-I'm terribly nervous I won't find a place to live by the end of the month and dreading having to move again. This time I will try to ask for help. As it turns out I have a pretty hard time with that.

-I have not cried in two days and I consider this an accomplishment.

-I have yet to meet boys who I feel compare to the boys I've known for so long, who care for and about me, and encourage me with their words and hugs and give me hope in finding a husband. As much as I hate on Escondido, Praise God for the boys that hail from it and their continued presence in my life.

-wow, I got unexpectedly asked out tonight and while i would really love to go out and talk and get to know him better, really really ache to have good conversation with someone, I'm just not attracted to him. I wish I could be better at casually dating.

-I love it when things are cleverly named (like Extreme Pizza's menu, or my Dogwood martini at Blondies)I had a fruit tart and tea tonight at a dessert and coffee shop so cleverly named "Tart to Tart." It was delicious.

man.

I know I am a strong girl, but sometimes I just feel so weak.

g is for goodbye.

oh how i have so many thoughts right now, if i had the time and energy i would write about them all, but i havent. For now i will, of course, write a little list in my fashion lest i forget these things on my heart.

-tonight is my last night in what has been my first home in San Francisco,

the beginning of my adventure, where I fully believe i did not come to or happen to "find myself" but believe rather that it is because i already know who i am, that i know (and knew) this is where I needed to be. While the company has been with mixed feelings, living with each of them has helped me to who I am now and where my mind and heart are, and for that i am very thankful. So much has happened for me while nesting within these walls, and leaving is bittersweet.
[THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO SAY HERE.]

-tommorrow night will be my first night in my new north beach apt,

and I will write again, i feel full of hope and very forward looking. tonight i got a little excited after picking up my new keys.
[this will be taken care of in the next few days]

-a conversation i had tonight and one i had friday night made me thankful for my kind friend who cares for and wants the best for me. tonights words gave me food for thought and put fridays into realized encouragement.

-it also only solidified the lonliness i feel in missing people who understand me. I have made good friends, but i am pained by how they shut me out and weep over how little it seems they really get me.

-i ache for someone to know and love me.
[that sounds so shamefully weak right there but it my at this moment honesty. so much so that i contemplate deleting every few seconds. I swear i dont always feel that statement, but i do right now.]

-i listened to a secret song of mine tonight, and realized that it gives me such hope. that others do not know it's significance to me lets me continue to think of it as what it is to me, plus it's precious words remind me of what i hope for.

-i fear he will never love me.
(i wish i could make these words in the smallest font known to man, as that is how it sits in my mind, but in the spirit of right now honesty, and for my own history i will leave it.)

i'm so tired and have to work early, and move all day. i'm already far past irresponsible on sleep, as well as on this move, and am still very anxious about. i'm hoping that i'm tired enough to finally get some sleep, and cant wait until i'm all moved tomorrow and will actually be able to sleep without all the worry.